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做优秀父母，请学习并坚持养育四项基本原则不动摇

发布日期：2024-06-15 22:14:32编辑：网络收集

有一个妈妈，从怀孕起开始接触心理学，阅读了上百本养育相关的书籍，学了不少亲子关系秘籍和解决问题的技巧，但孩子到了青春期仍然出现很多问题。妈妈很苦恼也很不解，她觉得自己在关系中非常注意沟通方法：共情啊、非暴力沟通、正面管教都用了啊，为什么还是做不到一个好妈妈？

事实上，就是因为她想要成为好妈妈的执念，使得她呈现给孩子的方法和技巧都变成了套路。而孩子需要的，是真实的父母和父母无条件的爱，仅此而已。

每个孩子都是完全不同的个体，就算拿着一本成功父母们总结出的《养育方法与技巧大全》照本宣科去做，也未必能复制出一个成功的孩子。

做父母不用那么用心，很多时候，我们只需要把握一些大的原则和方向就够了。方向对了，技巧多一点还是少一点，其实都不重要。

这四个养育的大原则是：

看动机不看行为

我在很多地方都讲过这个小故事：一个爸爸深夜回家已经累到极致，只想好好倒头大睡一觉。一掀被子却发现被被子里不知什么时候被塞了一碗冲好的方便面，面碗被带翻，带着油花和面条把床铺弄得一塌糊涂。

爸爸气急了，认定是他儿子搞的恶作剧，拎起熟睡的孩子不由分说地暴揍了一顿。后来才知道儿子是心疼他工作辛苦，经常没时间吃饭，就给他泡了一碗方便面。因为怕爸爸回来后面就凉了，参考雪糕盖被子保冷的做法把方便面塞进了被窝里。

其实，当我们看到孩子那些让人火冒三丈的行为时，先按耐住自己的认定，问问他你为什么会这样做？这样其实是因为影响你的情绪的，往往并不是那个事件本身，而是你对这个事件的看法。当听听孩子的想法，你会发现你认定的、对这个事件的看法或许并不成立，你就有了机会去了解另一个视角，从而不致像这个爸爸一样后悔不已。

夸努力不夸天资

斯坦福大学资深心理学教授Dweck和她的同事在2005年的一项研究发现，如果当孩子成功完成了一个困难的挑战，例如完成了一幅高难度的拼图，你习惯性地表扬他：你真是一个聪明的孩子。这样长大的孩子容易形成智力实体理论，也就是说他们认为自己是因为聪明这种先天的、固定不能改变的特质才得到赞扬。

相反，如果你夸奖他：这个拼图很困难，你一定是很努力很认真才顺利完成的吧。这样的孩子就会形成智力增加理论，他们相信智力是可塑的，是可以通过自己的努力和时间的积累而得到发展的。

要知道，你的夸奖其实影响深远，最直接的是影响到孩子对智力和能力的信念，这些会成为他们动机风格的基础，并直接影响到他们未来的成就。

重过程不重结果

幼教领域泰斗级人物张梅玲老师曾在北海幼儿园做过一个调查，她询问了很多个5岁半的孩子3+4等于几？结果很多孩子都能告诉她等于7。

但仔细问下去：你是如何得到这个答案的？就各不相同了。比如第一个回答的小女孩说：因为7可以分成3和4，所以3+4=7。第二个小男孩本来是答不出的，张老师启发他：你爸给了你4块糖，你妈又给了你三块糖，你今天一共得了几块糖？他就能答出来了是7块。第三个小孩子是靠数手指头数出来的，先数三根弯起来，再数四根弯起来，最后一起数数这两部分，发现一共是7根。

如果父母只看重结果，那么这些孩子的水平是相当的，因为大家都得出了正确的答案。但如果看他们得出结果的方法，就能很明显地看到这几个孩子的思维水平差别非常大。

所谓懂孩子，就是了解孩子当前的发展水平，从而知道他可能需要什么帮助或能够拔高到什么水平。知道结果是什么，知道如何达成这些结果，并且知道达到结果的路不止一条，可以选择做出优化，这是孩子达到成功的必由之路，无论成功的大小。

要看见不要评价

还是讲一个小故事。两个小朋友都是第一天去幼儿园，他们也都很喜欢画画，老师也鼓励他们画。其中一个小朋友画得很好很快，画完后就拿去给老师看，老师觉得很好，也希望能鼓励孩子喜欢幼儿园，就用略带夸张的语气夸赞到：哇！你画得可真棒，真是一个画画小天才！另一个孩子画完之后老师正好有事出去了，所以他并没有得到老师的评价。

到了第二天，老师要求孩子们画一幅《我爱幼儿园》的图画，说画得最好的会和其他班级的优秀作品一起张贴到学校外面的宣传栏。本来她对昨天赞扬的那个小朋友寄予厚望，但那个小朋友却有点不太专注，不愿意画了。

之前也有研究发现，这种过度的赞美其实是一种评价，反而可能妨碍孩子的自尊。他们会更担心失败，遇到困难更难坚持，因为他们担心自己不能够持续做得那么好从而配不上之前的赞美。

其实孩子需要的只是被看见。比如可以说：我看到你画了一座滑梯，还有娃娃家，这个在笑的小朋友是你吗？你把咱们幼儿园都画出来了对吗？

以上的四种态度就像灌溉之水，家长只要贯穿在生活小事中并持之以恒，孩子这株生命之花就会得到滋养，大概率上不出差错地开放。

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