妈妈育儿网

主页 > 教育 > 家庭教育 >

做优秀父母,请学习并坚持养育四项基本原则不动摇

发布日期:2024-06-15 22:14:32编辑:网络收集

有一个妈妈,从怀孕起开始接触心理学,阅读了上百本养育相关的书籍,学了不少亲子关系秘籍和解决问题的技巧,但孩子到了青春期仍然出现很多问题。妈妈很苦恼也很不解,她觉得自己在关系中非常注意沟通方法:共情啊、非暴力沟通、正面管教都用了啊,为什么还是做不到一个好妈妈?

事实上,就是因为她想要成为好妈妈的执念,使得她呈现给孩子的方法和技巧都变成了套路。而孩子需要的,是真实的父母和父母无条件的爱,仅此而已。

每个孩子都是完全不同的个体,就算拿着一本成功父母们总结出的《养育方法与技巧大全》照本宣科去做,也未必能复制出一个成功的孩子。

做父母不用那么用心,很多时候,我们只需要把握一些大的原则和方向就够了。方向对了,技巧多一点还是少一点,其实都不重要。

这四个养育的大原则是:

看动机不看行为

我在很多地方都讲过这个小故事:一个爸爸深夜回家已经累到极致,只想好好倒头大睡一觉。一掀被子却发现被被子里不知什么时候被塞了一碗冲好的方便面,面碗被带翻,带着油花和面条把床铺弄得一塌糊涂。

爸爸气急了,认定是他儿子搞的恶作剧,拎起熟睡的孩子不由分说地暴揍了一顿。后来才知道儿子是心疼他工作辛苦,经常没时间吃饭,就给他泡了一碗方便面。因为怕爸爸回来后面就凉了,参考雪糕盖被子保冷的做法把方便面塞进了被窝里。

其实,当我们看到孩子那些让人火冒三丈的行为时,先按耐住自己的认定,问问他你为什么会这样做?这样其实是因为影响你的情绪的,往往并不是那个事件本身,而是你对这个事件的看法。当听听孩子的想法,你会发现你认定的、对这个事件的看法或许并不成立,你就有了机会去了解另一个视角,从而不致像这个爸爸一样后悔不已。

夸努力不夸天资

斯坦福大学资深心理学教授Dweck和她的同事在2005年的一项研究发现,如果当孩子成功完成了一个困难的挑战,例如完成了一幅高难度的拼图,你习惯性地表扬他:你真是一个聪明的孩子。这样长大的孩子容易形成智力实体理论,也就是说他们认为自己是因为聪明这种先天的、固定不能改变的特质才得到赞扬。

相反,如果你夸奖他:这个拼图很困难,你一定是很努力很认真才顺利完成的吧。这样的孩子就会形成智力增加理论,他们相信智力是可塑的,是可以通过自己的努力和时间的积累而得到发展的。

要知道,你的夸奖其实影响深远,最直接的是影响到孩子对智力和能力的信念,这些会成为他们动机风格的基础,并直接影响到他们未来的成就。

重过程不重结果

幼教领域泰斗级人物张梅玲老师曾在北海幼儿园做过一个调查,她询问了很多个5岁半的孩子3+4等于几?结果很多孩子都能告诉她等于7。

但仔细问下去:你是如何得到这个答案的?就各不相同了。比如第一个回答的小女孩说:因为7可以分成3和4,所以3+4=7。第二个小男孩本来是答不出的,张老师启发他:你爸给了你4块糖,你妈又给了你三块糖,你今天一共得了几块糖?他就能答出来了是7块。第三个小孩子是靠数手指头数出来的,先数三根弯起来,再数四根弯起来,最后一起数数这两部分,发现一共是7根。

如果父母只看重结果,那么这些孩子的水平是相当的,因为大家都得出了正确的答案。但如果看他们得出结果的方法,就能很明显地看到这几个孩子的思维水平差别非常大。

所谓懂孩子,就是了解孩子当前的发展水平,从而知道他可能需要什么帮助或能够拔高到什么水平。知道结果是什么,知道如何达成这些结果,并且知道达到结果的路不止一条,可以选择做出优化,这是孩子达到成功的必由之路,无论成功的大小。

要看见不要评价

还是讲一个小故事。两个小朋友都是第一天去幼儿园,他们也都很喜欢画画,老师也鼓励他们画。其中一个小朋友画得很好很快,画完后就拿去给老师看,老师觉得很好,也希望能鼓励孩子喜欢幼儿园,就用略带夸张的语气夸赞到:哇!你画得可真棒,真是一个画画小天才!另一个孩子画完之后老师正好有事出去了,所以他并没有得到老师的评价。

到了第二天,老师要求孩子们画一幅《我爱幼儿园》的图画,说画得最好的会和其他班级的优秀作品一起张贴到学校外面的宣传栏。本来她对昨天赞扬的那个小朋友寄予厚望,但那个小朋友却有点不太专注,不愿意画了。

之前也有研究发现,这种过度的赞美其实是一种评价,反而可能妨碍孩子的自尊。他们会更担心失败,遇到困难更难坚持,因为他们担心自己不能够持续做得那么好从而配不上之前的赞美。

其实孩子需要的只是被看见。比如可以说:我看到你画了一座滑梯,还有娃娃家,这个在笑的小朋友是你吗?你把咱们幼儿园都画出来了对吗?

以上的四种态度就像灌溉之水,家长只要贯穿在生活小事中并持之以恒,孩子这株生命之花就会得到滋养,大概率上不出差错地开放。

猜你喜欢

编辑推荐

热门阅读

Weibo Article 1 Weibo Article 2 Weibo Article 3 Weibo Article 4 Weibo Article 5 Weibo Article 6 Weibo Article 7 Weibo Article 8 Weibo Article 9 Weibo Article 10 Weibo Article 11 Weibo Article 12 Weibo Article 13 Weibo Article 14 Weibo Article 15 Weibo Article 16 Weibo Article 17 Weibo Article 18 Weibo Article 19 Weibo Article 20 Weibo Article 21 Weibo Article 22 Weibo Article 23 Weibo Article 24 Weibo Article 25 Weibo Article 26 Weibo Article 27 Weibo Article 28 Weibo Article 29 Weibo Article 30 Weibo Article 31 Weibo Article 32 Weibo Article 33 Weibo Article 34 Weibo Article 35 Weibo Article 36 Weibo Article 37 Weibo Article 38 Weibo Article 39 Weibo Article 40 Weibo Article 41 Weibo Article 42 Weibo Article 43 Weibo Article 44 Weibo Article 45 Weibo Article 46 Weibo Article 47 Weibo Article 48 Weibo Article 49 Weibo Article 50 Weibo Article 51 Weibo Article 52 Weibo Article 53 Weibo Article 54 Weibo Article 55 Weibo Article 56 Weibo Article 57 Weibo Article 58 Weibo Article 59 Weibo Article 60 Weibo Article 61 Weibo Article 62 Weibo Article 63 Weibo Article 64 Weibo Article 65 Weibo Article 66 Weibo Article 67 Weibo Article 68 Weibo Article 69 Weibo Article 70 Weibo Article 71 Weibo Article 72 Weibo Article 73 Weibo Article 74 Weibo Article 75 Weibo Article 76 Weibo Article 77 Weibo Article 78 Weibo Article 79 Weibo Article 80 Weibo Article 81 Weibo Article 82 Weibo Article 83 Weibo Article 84 Weibo Article 85 Weibo Article 86 Weibo Article 87 Weibo Article 88 Weibo Article 89 Weibo Article 90 Weibo Article 91 Weibo Article 92 Weibo Article 93 Weibo Article 94 Weibo Article 95 Weibo Article 96 Weibo Article 97 Weibo Article 98 Weibo Article 99 Weibo Article 100 Weibo Article 101 Weibo Article 102 Weibo Article 103 Weibo Article 104 Weibo Article 105 Weibo Article 106 Weibo Article 107 Weibo Article 108 Weibo Article 109 Weibo Article 110 Weibo Article 111 Weibo Article 112 Weibo Article 113 Weibo Article 114 Weibo Article 115 Weibo Article 116 Weibo Article 117 Weibo Article 118 Weibo Article 119 Weibo Article 120 Weibo Article 121 Weibo Article 122 Weibo Article 123 Weibo Article 124 Weibo Article 125 Weibo Article 126 Weibo Article 127 Weibo Article 128 Weibo Article 129 Weibo Article 130 Weibo Article 131 Weibo Article 132 Weibo Article 133 Weibo Article 134 Weibo Article 135 Weibo Article 136 Weibo Article 137 Weibo Article 138 Weibo Article 139 Weibo Article 140 Weibo Article 141 Weibo Article 142 Weibo Article 143 Weibo Article 144 Weibo Article 145 Weibo Article 146 Weibo Article 147 Weibo Article 148 Weibo Article 149 Weibo Article 150 Weibo Article 151 Weibo Article 152 Weibo Article 153 Weibo Article 154 Weibo Article 155 Weibo Article 156 Weibo Article 157 Weibo Article 158 Weibo Article 159 Weibo Article 160 Weibo Article 161 Weibo Article 162 Weibo Article 163 Weibo Article 164 Weibo Article 165 Weibo Article 166 Weibo Article 167 Weibo Article 168 Weibo Article 169 Weibo Article 170 Weibo Article 171 Weibo Article 172 Weibo Article 173 Weibo Article 174 Weibo Article 175 Weibo Article 176 Weibo Article 177 Weibo Article 178 Weibo Article 179 Weibo Article 180 Weibo Article 181 Weibo Article 182 Weibo Article 183 Weibo Article 184 Weibo Article 185 Weibo Article 186 Weibo Article 187 Weibo Article 188 Weibo Article 189 Weibo Article 190 Weibo Article 191 Weibo Article 192 Weibo Article 193 Weibo Article 194 Weibo Article 195 Weibo Article 196 Weibo Article 197 Weibo Article 198 Weibo Article 199 Weibo Article 200 Weibo Article 201 Weibo Article 202 Weibo Article 203 Weibo Article 204 Weibo Article 205 Weibo Article 206 Weibo Article 207 Weibo Article 208 Weibo Article 209 Weibo Article 210 Weibo Article 211 Weibo Article 212 Weibo Article 213 Weibo Article 214 Weibo Article 215 Weibo Article 216 Weibo Article 217 Weibo Article 218 Weibo Article 219 Weibo Article 220 Weibo Article 221 Weibo Article 222 Weibo Article 223 Weibo Article 224 Weibo Article 225 Weibo Article 226 Weibo Article 227 Weibo Article 228 Weibo Article 229 Weibo Article 230 Weibo Article 231 Weibo Article 232 Weibo Article 233 Weibo Article 234 Weibo Article 235 Weibo Article 236 Weibo Article 237 Weibo Article 238 Weibo Article 239 Weibo Article 240 Weibo Article 241 Weibo Article 242 Weibo Article 243 Weibo Article 244 Weibo Article 245 Weibo Article 246 Weibo Article 247 Weibo Article 248 Weibo Article 249 Weibo Article 250 Weibo Article 251 Weibo Article 252 Weibo Article 253 Weibo Article 254 Weibo Article 255 Weibo Article 256 Weibo Article 257 Weibo Article 258 Weibo Article 259 Weibo Article 260 Weibo Article 261 Weibo Article 262 Weibo Article 263 Weibo Article 264 Weibo Article 265 Weibo Article 266 Weibo Article 267 Weibo Article 268 Weibo Article 269 Weibo Article 270 Weibo Article 271 Weibo Article 272 Weibo Article 273 Weibo Article 274 Weibo Article 275 Weibo Article 276 Weibo Article 277 Weibo Article 278 Weibo Article 279 Weibo Article 280 Weibo Article 281 Weibo Article 282 Weibo Article 283 Weibo Article 284 Weibo Article 285 Weibo Article 286 Weibo Article 287 Weibo Article 288 Weibo Article 289 Weibo Article 290 Weibo Article 291 Weibo Article 292 Weibo Article 293 Weibo Article 294 Weibo Article 295 Weibo Article 296 Weibo Article 297 Weibo Article 298 Weibo Article 299 Weibo Article 300 Weibo Article 301 Weibo Article 302 Weibo Article 303 Weibo Article 304 Weibo Article 305 Weibo Article 306 Weibo Article 307 Weibo Article 308 Weibo Article 309 Weibo Article 310 Weibo Article 311 Weibo Article 312 Weibo Article 313 Weibo Article 314 Weibo Article 315 Weibo Article 316 Weibo Article 317 Weibo Article 318 Weibo Article 319 Weibo Article 320 Weibo Article 321 Weibo Article 322 Weibo Article 323 Weibo Article 324 Weibo Article 325 Weibo Article 326 Weibo Article 327 Weibo Article 328 Weibo Article 329 Weibo Article 330 Weibo Article 331 Weibo Article 332 Weibo Article 333 Weibo Article 334 Weibo Article 335 Weibo Article 336 Weibo Article 337 Weibo Article 338 Weibo Article 339 Weibo Article 340 Weibo Article 341 Weibo Article 342 Weibo Article 343 Weibo Article 344 Weibo Article 345 Weibo Article 346 Weibo Article 347 Weibo Article 348 Weibo Article 349 Weibo Article 350 Weibo Article 351 Weibo Article 352 Weibo Article 353 Weibo Article 354 Weibo Article 355 Weibo Article 356 Weibo Article 357 Weibo Article 358 Weibo Article 359 Weibo Article 360 Weibo Article 361 Weibo Article 362 Weibo Article 363 Weibo Article 364 Weibo Article 365 Weibo Article 366 Weibo Article 367 Weibo Article 368 Weibo Article 369 Weibo Article 370 Weibo Article 371 Weibo Article 372 Weibo Article 373 Weibo Article 374 Weibo Article 375 Weibo Article 376 Weibo Article 377 Weibo Article 378 Weibo Article 379 Weibo Article 380 Weibo Article 381 Weibo Article 382 Weibo Article 383 Weibo Article 384 Weibo Article 385 Weibo Article 386 Weibo Article 387 Weibo Article 388 Weibo Article 389 Weibo Article 390 Weibo Article 391 Weibo Article 392 Weibo Article 393 Weibo Article 394 Weibo Article 395 Weibo Article 396 Weibo Article 397 Weibo Article 398 Weibo Article 399 Weibo Article 400 Weibo Article 401 Weibo Article 402 Weibo Article 403 Weibo Article 404 Weibo Article 405 Weibo Article 406 Weibo Article 407 Weibo Article 408 Weibo Article 409 Weibo Article 410 Weibo Article 411 Weibo Article 412 Weibo Article 413 Weibo Article 414 Weibo Article 415 Weibo Article 416 Weibo Article 417 Weibo Article 418 Weibo Article 419 Weibo Article 420 Weibo Article 421 Weibo Article 422 Weibo Article 423 Weibo Article 424 Weibo Article 425 Weibo Article 426 Weibo Article 427 Weibo Article 428 Weibo Article 429 Weibo Article 430 Weibo Article 431 Weibo Article 432 Weibo Article 433 Weibo Article 434 Weibo Article 435 Weibo Article 436 Weibo Article 437 Weibo Article 438 Weibo Article 439 Weibo Article 440 Weibo Article 441 Weibo Article 442 Weibo Article 443 Weibo Article 444 Weibo Article 445 Weibo Article 446 Weibo Article 447 Weibo Article 448 Weibo Article 449 Weibo Article 450 Weibo Article 451 Weibo Article 452 Weibo Article 453 Weibo Article 454 Weibo Article 455 Weibo Article 456 Weibo Article 457 Weibo Article 458 Weibo Article 459 Weibo Article 460 Weibo Article 461 Weibo Article 462 Weibo Article 463 Weibo Article 464 Weibo Article 465 Weibo Article 466 Weibo Article 467 Weibo Article 468 Weibo Article 469 Weibo Article 470 Weibo Article 471 Weibo Article 472 Weibo Article 473 Weibo Article 474 Weibo Article 475 Weibo Article 476 Weibo Article 477 Weibo Article 478 Weibo Article 479 Weibo Article 480 Weibo Article 481 Weibo Article 482 Weibo Article 483 Weibo Article 484 Weibo Article 485 Weibo Article 486 Weibo Article 487 Weibo Article 488 Weibo Article 489 Weibo Article 490 Weibo Article 491 Weibo Article 492 Weibo Article 493 Weibo Article 494 Weibo Article 495 Weibo Article 496 Weibo Article 497 Weibo Article 498 Weibo Article 499 Weibo Article 500 Weibo Article 501 Weibo Article 502 Weibo Article 503 Weibo Article 504 Weibo Article 505 Weibo Article 506 Weibo Article 507 Weibo Article 508 Weibo Article 509 Weibo Article 510 Weibo Article 511 Weibo Article 512 Weibo Article 513 Weibo Article 514 Weibo Article 515 Weibo Article 516 Weibo Article 517 Weibo Article 518 Weibo Article 519 Weibo Article 520 Weibo Article 521 Weibo Article 522 Weibo Article 523 Weibo Article 524 Weibo Article 525 Weibo Article 526 Weibo Article 527 Weibo Article 528 Weibo Article 529 Weibo Article 530 Weibo Article 531 Weibo Article 532 Weibo Article 533 Weibo Article 534 Weibo Article 535 Weibo Article 536 Weibo Article 537 Weibo Article 538 Weibo Article 539 Weibo Article 540 Weibo Article 541 Weibo Article 542 Weibo Article 543 Weibo Article 544 Weibo Article 545 Weibo Article 546 Weibo Article 547 Weibo Article 548 Weibo Article 549 Weibo Article 550 Weibo Article 551 Weibo Article 552 Weibo Article 553 Weibo Article 554 Weibo Article 555 Weibo Article 556 Weibo Article 557 Weibo Article 558 Weibo Article 559 Weibo Article 560 Weibo Article 561 Weibo Article 562 Weibo Article 563 Weibo Article 564 Weibo Article 565 Weibo Article 566 Weibo Article 567 Weibo Article 568 Weibo Article 569 Weibo Article 570 Weibo Article 571 Weibo Article 572 Weibo Article 573 Weibo Article 574 Weibo Article 575 Weibo Article 576 Weibo Article 577 Weibo Article 578 Weibo Article 579 Weibo Article 580 Weibo Article 581 Weibo Article 582 Weibo Article 583 Weibo Article 584 Weibo Article 585 Weibo Article 586 Weibo Article 587 Weibo Article 588 Weibo Article 589 Weibo Article 590 Weibo Article 591 Weibo Article 592 Weibo Article 593 Weibo Article 594 Weibo Article 595 Weibo Article 596 Weibo Article 597 Weibo Article 598 Weibo Article 599 Weibo Article 600 Weibo Article 601 Weibo Article 602 Weibo Article 603 Weibo Article 604 Weibo Article 605 Weibo Article 606 Weibo Article 607 Weibo Article 608 Weibo Article 609 Weibo Article 610 Weibo Article 611 Weibo Article 612 Weibo Article 613 Weibo Article 614 Weibo Article 615 Weibo Article 616 Weibo Article 617 Weibo Article 618 Weibo Article 619 Weibo Article 620 Weibo Article 621 Weibo Article 622 Weibo Article 623 Weibo Article 624 Weibo Article 625 Weibo Article 626 Weibo Article 627 Weibo Article 628 Weibo Article 629 Weibo Article 630 Weibo Article 631 Weibo Article 632 Weibo Article 633 Weibo Article 634 Weibo Article 635 Weibo Article 636 Weibo Article 637 Weibo Article 638 Weibo Article 639 Weibo Article 640 Weibo Article 641 Weibo Article 642 Weibo Article 643 Weibo Article 644 Weibo Article 645 Weibo Article 646 Weibo Article 647 Weibo Article 648 Weibo Article 649 Weibo Article 650 Weibo Article 651 Weibo Article 652 Weibo Article 653 Weibo Article 654 Weibo Article 655 Weibo Article 656 Weibo Article 657 Weibo Article 658 Weibo Article 659 Weibo Article 660 Weibo Article 661 Weibo Article 662 Weibo Article 663 Weibo Article 664 Weibo Article 665 Weibo Article 666 Weibo Article 667 Weibo Article 668 Weibo Article 669 Weibo Article 670 Weibo Article 671 Weibo Article 672 Weibo Article 673 Weibo Article 674 Weibo Article 675 Weibo Article 676 Weibo Article 677 Weibo Article 678 Weibo Article 679 Weibo Article 680 Weibo Article 681 Weibo Article 682 Weibo Article 683 Weibo Article 684 Weibo Article 685 Weibo Article 686 Weibo Article 687 Weibo Article 688 Weibo Article 689 Weibo Article 690 Weibo Article 691 Weibo Article 692 Weibo Article 693 Weibo Article 694 Weibo Article 695 Weibo Article 696 Weibo Article 697 Weibo Article 698 Weibo Article 699 Weibo Article 700 Weibo Article 701 Weibo Article 702 Weibo Article 703 Weibo Article 704 Weibo Article 705 Weibo Article 706 Weibo Article 707 Weibo Article 708 Weibo Article 709 Weibo Article 710 Weibo Article 711 Weibo Article 712 Weibo Article 713 Weibo Article 714 Weibo Article 715 Weibo Article 716 Weibo Article 717 Weibo Article 718 Weibo Article 719 Weibo Article 720 Weibo Article 721 Weibo Article 722 Weibo Article 723 Weibo Article 724 Weibo Article 725 Weibo Article 726