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孩子的眼泪，你能读懂吗？(3)

发布日期：2014-08-22 11:45:23编辑：Chen

哭是一种手段

经常被人提到孩子用哭达到某种目的，毫无疑问，我们不能因为孩子的哭闹而妥协，否则后患无穷。

所谓要挟便是用某种方式绑架对方的感情，为什么孩子会以哭相要挟？因为他们清楚父母是爱他们的。大多数父母对孩子的眼泪没有免疫力，看着孩子哭 得可怜兮兮的样子，心疼之余只有缴械投降。很难说孩子一开始就有意识地用哭达到目的，我更愿意相信最初，他们的哭只是针对失败的本能反应，而父母的态度则 促使他们以后的行为更有目的性，因此，如何处理孩子第一次试探性的哭闹尤为重要。

孩子试探性的哭闹很普遍。

有一次，畅畅非要吃巧克力，我怎么劝也劝不住，她坐在沙发上哭将起来，大滴大滴的眼泪顺着脸颊滚下来，十分可怜。我蹲在她身边一直看着她，她哭 一阵后也偷偷地观察我，过了很长一段时间，她终于明白这巧克力一定是哭不来的了，就挂着眼泪自我解嘲：“我不吃巧克力，小孩子吃，不好。

”我拉着她起身去 洗手间洗脸，很快她就平静了，并且以后很少有类似的情况发生，即使偶尔有点反复，只要她看到我冷静的目光，一般都会很快停止哭闹。曾经有妈妈向我抱怨，说 孩子动不动就以哭闹相威胁，不达目的誓不罢休，撒泼打滚的事情常有，很是烦恼，却又无能为力，我再进一步询问后得知，她家的孩子小时候主要由奶奶带，而奶 奶的理论是：你不给，孩子就哭，哭了你还是得给，那还不如不等他大哭就给了。显然，孩子早就明白了家长的心思，不给就哭，屡试不爽。

与妥协相反的是暴怒，一些家长面对孩子的哭闹会失去耐心，轻则嚷嚷，重则可能动手。家长之所以会有这种极端反应，要么是难以忍受高分贝的哭声， 试图以暴制暴，要么是预想到了向孩子妥协后的不良后果。这样做很容易让矛盾转移，本来孩子可能因为要巧克力而哭闹，而最后受到责罚的理由则可能是“不听 话”、“任性”……其结果是，下回他们很可能还会用哭闹来达到另外的目的。

几种应该引起我们关注的哭

敏感的孩子容易哭

孩子之间也会有性格差异，就像在成人世界里，有林妹妹那样敏感的人，也自然会有史湘云那样大大咧咧的人。遇到不如意时，敏感的孩子更容易哭，我 们必须认识到这一点，而不能简单地拿别的孩子来跟他们对比，“你怎么这么好哭啊，你看那谁，人家就不哭”，这样的话不仅达不到制止哭闹的目的，并且可能让 本已敏感的孩子更加敏感。

脆弱的孩子容易哭

现在的独生子女被人认定为“任性”、“脆弱”，这里很大的原因在于他们爱哭，一个容易哭的孩子不是心理承受能力差又是什么呢？这确实是一个问题，要改变这种状况也不是单纯靠给孩子施加压力就能解决的，毕竟我们不是在培养斯巴达战士，一切都得符合孩子的成长规律。

有一段时间，畅畅很喜欢和我们一起玩接龙，有点像纸牌，就是根据上家出的牌，用相同的卡通人物接下去，谁先出完谁就赢了。不凑巧的是，她的运气实在不好，连着输了三四回，她噘着小嘴，眼泪汪汪，一副马上就要号啕大哭的样子。

这个时候我该怎么办？

有一瞬间，我确实心软了，两个大人赢了一个孩子，胜之不武啊！我很想做点什么让畅畅赢，反正我们不也就是陪她玩嘛，落个皆大欢喜多好。很快，我 又改了主意，很真诚地对畅畅说：“这只是一个游戏，谁都可能赢，谁都可能输，再试一次吧！

”我们又来了一局，这次畅畅排名第二，她的情绪好多了，邀请我们 再来一局，最后她终于赢了一次，我心里一块石头才落地。说实话，我真担心她运气不好一直赢不了，不能奢望一个刚满三岁的孩子超然于输赢——换个角度看，真 对输赢毫不在意也未必是一件好事。

畅畅妈之所以不想人为地造成一个她不断获胜的假象，是因为这样两个原因：其一，既然参与，就必须遵循游戏规则，“费厄泼 赖”针对所有人而言，那种所谓的“让孩子”其实是对孩子的不尊重，家长能让，就能保证别人也让她吗？现在能让，将来还会有人让她吗？一旦没有人让，孩子将 会体会到前所未有的挫折感。

其二，“输得起”是人很重要的一种品质，我一直不赞同一方面亲手把孩子保护起来直至他们失去经历挫折的能力，另一方面又刻意制 造出点难题摆在孩子面前，美其名曰“挫折教育”，这感觉就像观世音掐指一算，唐僧师徒还少一难，非得在通天河再凑一难，太刻意了。其实，我们完全可以在日常生活中逐步锻炼孩子承受挫折的能力。

对家长来说，常常会陷入这样的怪圈：见到孩子哭就忍不住发脾气，发完脾气又后悔，生怕自己的失控情绪会影响孩子的性格，乃至影响孩子的人生。知道控制自己的情绪是一件好事，盛怒之下难免会说出伤害孩子的话，但是，我们也大可不必变得战战兢兢，甚至从此不敢批评孩子。

孩子的很多问题都能从家长身上找到原因，我们的教养方式确实也会影响到孩子的性格和习惯养成，但是，事情不会严重到我们的一个眼神就能改变孩子 命运的程度。事实上，除了孩子自己，谁也决定不了他们的一生，因此我们大可不必如此紧张。

有一本名为《放养孩子》的书，这本书从一个新的角度来释放我们的 紧张情绪，作者勒诺·斯科纳兹告诉大家：并不是你做的每件小事都能对孩子产生深远的影响。我赞同她的观点，育儿原本可以放轻松，具体到批评和教育孩子来 说，只要不是次次都大声责骂，偶尔冲孩子大叫一嗓子并没有那么可怕。

假如孩子哭了

孩子的哭声其实有积极的意义，它相当于一个预警系统，引起我们的必要重视，尤其对较小的孩子来说。

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