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专家支招：爸妈与爷爷奶奶的育儿方法冲突该怎么办？

发布日期：2024-07-25 14:40:46编辑：秩名


两害相权取其轻

 
会感到意外吗？很多时候，育儿并非是“择优而行”，而是“两害相权取其轻”。这是为人父母的无奈，还是育儿的道路上我们必然会学到的功课，或者是不得不接受的现实呢？
 

※当育儿遭遇两难境地※

 
作为家长，我们都期望给孩子一个完美的成长环境。比如，育儿理念与方式，如果全家统一，没有分歧，当然很好。不过，这还不够，全社会统一，那才叫完美。光理念与方式统一还不够，最好父母、其他抚养人，乃至幼儿园至大学的老师个个都是教育家、心理学家，能以最科学的方式帮助孩子成长。然而，事实往往令我们很沮丧。因为，我们根本就不可能给孩子一个完美的成长环境，无论家庭还是外部环境都如此。单纯家庭这个环境就已经缺憾多多，何况其他？
 
最常见的问题莫过于家庭成员之间育儿理念的冲突了。这种冲突又以父母与祖父母（外祖父母）之间的冲突为最。我常常听年轻人抱怨老人娇惯孩子，孩子想要什么就给什么，想做什么就让他做什么，完全没有界限。类似以下的场景，相信大家都不陌生：
 
妈妈规定孩子每天只可以吃一颗糖。小家伙吃完一颗，忍受不了诱惑，还想要第二颗。妈妈自然不答应。不过，看到爷爷奶奶在场，小家伙使出了杀手锏——大哭大闹。于是，爷爷或者奶奶终于有一个熬不住，又递给孩子一颗糖。之后，两颗、三颗，甚至更多颗。
 
遇到类似的情景，我们心里难免别扭。一方面，我们需要给老人面子；另一方面，我们又不希望我们的规矩形同虚设。那种两难的感受，我相信很多父母都经历过。
 

※两难，到底纠结在哪里？※

 
当进入类似上述的两难境地时，我们难免纠结。坚持？放弃？似乎都不是最佳的选择。
 
若我们坚持管教孩子，爷爷奶奶脸上挂不住，心里难受，婆媳或翁婿之间隔阂生起，家庭关系自然紧张。家庭关系紧张，孩子就容易安全感缺失。不可忽略的事实是：期望家庭和和美美，是孩子最大的心理需求。于是，当家庭关系出现问题时，为了缓和家庭矛盾，孩子便会以他的方式去维护家庭的和谐。也许孩子会出现某些问题，如莫名地发脾气、异常地黏人、特别胆小，更严重的甚至会生病……当孩子出现问题时，他被每个人“看”到，成为大家关注的重心，家庭成员之间的冲突暂时消失。但是，不多久，也许因为某个诱因，又会导致家庭关系陷入新一轮的紧张局势。一轮又一轮，恶性循环。
 
若不管，孩子突破规则，规则失去作用，父母说话算不了话，又会导致父母在孩子面前失去威信。若孩子养成无视规则的习惯，变得“无法无天”，我们的教育无疑是失败的。如此，我们又会陷入另一个可怕的局面。
 
很显然，无论哪种结局都不是我们期待的。那么，当我们陷入如此纠结的境地，究竟该如何面对呢？
 

※利与害，并非那么绝对※

 
当我们处于育儿的两难境地时，之所以纠结，源于我们只看到它令人纠结的一面，看不到它令人欣慰的一面。拿上面的两难处境来说，虽然老人貌似溺爱孩子，破坏了家庭的规则，但老人与孩子的相处也并非一无是处。这样的家庭氛围，对孩子的成长依然会带来一些有益的成分。老人的做法未必科学，但至少，他们对孩子的爱是真实的，不容辩驳的。他们的“溺爱”也会带给孩子一些温暖的童年回忆，让孩子有强烈的被宠爱的感觉，并因此自我价值感十足。这种儿时的经历会滋养孩子一辈子。毫无疑问，家庭需要规则，但是，规则也应该是富有弹性的。如果一点弹性都没有，规则很冷面，家庭也容易缺乏温暖。老人的做法有时候会起到润滑的作用，它好的一面也是我们需要看到的。
 
从另一角度看，参与养育孩子的人多了，虽然各人对待孩子的方式不同，家庭成员育儿冲突的可能性增加，但与此同时，孩子也在与不同性格类型以不同方式对待他的家人交往的过程中，习得更多社会交往的技巧，懂得以不同的方式面对不同的人，这也是那些养育环境单一的家庭所缺乏的。更何况，孩子走向社会之后，他需要面对的也是一个多元化的社会。让孩子有一些多元化的交往经历，未必不是好事。
 

※无需纠结，两害相权取其轻※

 
养育孩子的过程中，类似的两难境地不仅出现在家庭，将来还可能延伸到幼儿园、小学以及其他公共场所。当面临类似境况时，其实我们真的没必要那么纠结。既然两种对立的处理问题的方式都有利有弊，我们又不可能回避，不如就坦然做出一个决定吧！此时，做出决定需要把握一个原则——两害相权取其轻。
 
拿前面的事例来说，维持良好的家庭关系与坚守一些小的规则相比较，前者对孩子更重要。那么，当我们没有办法两全时，就选择尊重老人的做法，以和为贵吧。
 
当然，这并不意味着我们凡事都要妥协。相反，每一次陷入两难境地，都是一个我们学习与反思的机会。也许下一次，我们可以更聪明地规避这种问题。比如，我们可以尝试以下的做法：
 
重新修订规则，让规则更人性化，减少不必要的冲突。
 
预先做些功课。如，给孩子吃糖时，事先给些暗示：“我们的规则是，一天只吃一颗糖。我相信，宝宝一定能做到。来，让爷爷奶奶看看，我们是不是很厉害，能控制自己？！”
 
从改造环境入手，避免人为制造冲突。
 
巧妙地利用当时的情形创造机会转移孩子的注意力，使冲突消融。
 
降低对他人的期待，以更博大的心胸接纳一切。在接纳的基础上再寻求转化。
 
总之，育儿路上，纠结、冲突都不是解决问题的好办法。懂得权衡，在权衡的同时，试着寻找更智慧的解决问题的办法，是更可取的方式。况且，我们如何处理冲突，也是一个教育孩子的好契机。若我们更智慧地处理问题，孩子也学会智慧地处理问题。聪明如你，是不是有更好的办法呢？

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