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向孩子妥协一定是溺爱嘛！但掌握分寸很重要！

发布日期：2024-07-25 14:33:01编辑：秩名



妥协，是隐患还是温情？

 
在孩子面前妥协，究竟算是爱意的表达，还是纵容呢？要回答这个问题，可就需要好好掂量掂量了。养育孩子是一个“人性滋养人性”的过程，对与错，有时候未必那么绝对，可以用一句话来概括：界限必须有，妥协也不可少。
 

※妥协=溺爱的代名词？※

 
一提到“妥协”，我们不免会将其与“放弃原则，无条件满足需求”等同起来。也因此，妥协常常成为“溺爱”的代名词。
 
确实，“妥协”有时候与“溺爱”可谓是难兄难弟，但若一味认为“妥协”恒等于溺爱，就未免有失偏颇了。育儿这件事，任何形式的偏执都是不科学的，对孩子的成长都是有害的。
 
曾经听说过这么一件事：因为认定“睡眠对孩子的生长有益”，有位妈妈就每天都与不满3岁的宝宝在午睡时间较劲。为了达到“让宝宝午睡”的目的，这位妈妈甚至不惜让宝宝哭闹两三个小时，直到小家伙困倦得不行了，抽抽搭搭进入梦乡，这位妈妈方才松了一口气。
 
在上述事例中，我们可以看到妈妈的出发点无疑是一片好心，但她却没有想过，以如此偏执的方式来要求孩子午睡，带给孩子的伤害远甚于午睡一两个小时给予的“滋补”！与其逼迫，不如妥协。与其让孩子哭着进入“噩梦”，弗如少睡一会儿，胜在有个愉悦的心境。
 

※正面看待“妥协”这件事※

 
在“原则问题，当讲不当讲”一文里，我们谈了关于讲原则的种种，也提到原则应该有弹性。同样的道理，“妥协”也可以是一种处理问题的方式，算是原则弹性的具体体现。相比较而言，在某些情形下，“妥协”甚至是更好的方式。
 
“妥协”的基本释义为：
 
1、让步以避免冲突、争执；
 
2、与某人或几个方面之间商谈条件或求得互让。
 
可见，“妥协”不单纯是让步，也是一种社交或者谈判策略，是双赢或者尽可能减少损失的一种手段。若我们不懂妥协，只知一条道走到黑，少了变通，难免会在处理问题时过于机械，断了退路，让自己陷入困境，也给他人带来压力。不仅如此，过于偏执的人就像紧绷的弓，绷至极限，难免自毁。
 
让孩子学会“妥协”的技巧，也是提升孩子抗挫折力的一种手段。因此，适当与孩子妥协，实际上也是在传递一种交往或者谈判策略，让他学会给自己与他人留下余地，对孩子一样会产生积极的影响。只要不是原则性的问题，适度的妥协可以避免冲突，还是人与人之间表达爱意的一种手段，对润滑各种关系起着重要的作用。
 
既然如此，我们又何必谈“妥”色变呢？
 

※妥协有度，重在防范※

 
当然，“妥协”有其两面性。一不小心，就有可能被天生就是外交家的孩子所利用，成了他控制家长的手段。“妥协”需要智慧，并非我们想象中单纯的让步。让得恰到好处，让得正是时候，让得充满智慧，“妥协”才能滋养孩子。
 
●0～18月龄，妥协理所应当
 
对于处在这个时期的孩子来说，一般有什么需求，我们都应该满足，没必要跟他对抗。当然，一些对孩子可能构成伤害、可能误导他的行为另当别论，但也无需对抗。我们可以从消除诱因、转移注意力入手，预防与避免对抗并重。
 
●18月龄之后，妥协讲究策略
 
1岁半以后，大多数孩子已经能够听懂些道理。若我们一味地“妥协”，会让孩子错误地以为讲条件、不讲道理是达到目的的最好手段，反而强化他的对抗行为，被他所控制。因此，这个年龄段的孩子，即便我们妥协，也要讲究策略。
 
需要特别提到的一点是，很多时候，我们与孩子的冲突原本都可以避免，因为它往往起因于我们没有及时消除诱因。不仅如此，有时候，我们甚至还在人为地制造诱因，引发冲突。
 
记得有次我去郊外游玩，遇见一对年轻的父母带着年纪尚幼的儿子同行。因为天气炎热，妈妈抵挡不住诱惑，悄悄买了一个蛋卷冰激凌，偷偷摸摸吃起来。没想到还是被小家伙发现了。孩子当然抵挡不住诱惑，当下失去控制，哭闹着非要吃。
 
“你不可以吃。吃了会生病。”妈妈坚持原则，决不妥协。
 
“为什么妈妈可以吃？”
 
“妈妈吃了是不会生病的，所以妈妈可以吃。但是宝宝吃了会生病，所以宝宝不能吃。”
 
……
 
一轮又一轮，母子在较量着。然而，无论多有说服力的理由，在如此的事实面前都显得那么的苍白。小男孩的小牛脾气上来，再也顾不了那么多，不依不饶跟妈妈较上了劲。最终的结局是妈妈连吼带骂，甚至辅以打屁屁才结束了这场闹剧。
 
如果妈妈不买那根冰激凌，母子之间就不会有这一场对抗。或者妈妈适当妥协，让孩子也尝一口，减量满足孩子的需求，又是另一番景象。
 
若我们深知扛不住，终究妥协，或者引发太多问题，不如干脆自找台阶下，早点妥协。
 

※妥协，也是一种智慧※

 
如何向孩子“妥协”，的确需要家长的智慧。“妥协”得恰到好处，才能给孩子以益处，否则可能反而带来伤害与误导。
 
在向孩子“妥协”时，我们可以尝试考虑以下两点：
 
●为“妥协”找一个合理的原因
 
掌握主动权，避免被孩子所控制。这就需要我们审时度势，及时发现孩子的需求，了解他的状态，具体情况具体分析，把握时机做出让步。而不是先断然否定孩子的需求，等他哭闹不已，我们实在扛不住再妥协。当孩子明白我们既民主又有原则时，他就会少很多无理取闹的行为。
 
●给孩子一个陈述理由的机会
 
如果有心满足孩子，即便他的理由不是很充分，也要肯定他其中站得住脚的部分，给他“因为你说得有道理，所以你的要求可以被满足”的感觉。这样的方式可以让孩子明白，他的需求之所以得到满足，不是他无理取闹而达成的目的，而是因为他有道理才被特许。
 
如此，孩子就在与我们交涉的过程中懂得了这样的道理：凡事没有绝对，只要有理有据，就可以尝试去说服他人，达成自己的目标。这难道不是孩子未来活得更好必需的一种能力吗？
 
 

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